Naturally the first response is “Don’t!”. But we all live in the real world most of the time don’t we? For married couples, ‘disagreements’ are just part of being married. An interesting article on MSN has some insights on fighting and still staying married. Some highlights include:
Don’t Escalate
Most fights start out as relatively small and simple matters, but being human we start to get louder and more angry and that is when it all escalates.
The solution, the experts say, is what they call “active listening”.
… in which partners take turns talking and paraphrasing what the other is telling them (”What I hear you saying is . . .”)
I have to agree with them in that it can make you sound pretty dorky, however it is almost as funny (if you were so angry at the moment) to hear the response. On occasion I have tried this technique with my wife and sometimes I can repeat exactly what she said back to her and she will tell me that isn’t what she said or meant. After a couple rounds of trying to figure out what she meant sometimes we drop the whole thing out of frustration of trying to figure out what the hell we are trying to say. Later we sometimes laugh about it.
Don’t Invalidate
I’m guilty of this one it seems. However to my credit (and it is my blog so I get some credit…) I have tried this technique myself. OK, sometimes I do sound sarcastic and on occasion I have meant it that way, but they said it best
Just be sure to sound sincere, not sarcastic. If you can do this, it’s like holding up a mirror, which is gentler, and far more effective than saying, “Look in the mirror, bitch.”
Let Us Not Accuse The Other Of Memory Loss
When it really gets going, the memory book comes out. The idea is not get into the “Before you said blah blah blah”. I don’t know if I like their suggestion here:
Instead, say this: “I’m not sure what I said. What I meant was. . . .”
That just leaves you open for attacks of being called a lier. But hey, they are the experts…
Tell Her What You Are Thinking
Not in the “go jump in a lake” manner, but in the sense of don’t let her try to read your mind, just say that her mother has overstayed her visit or whatever (I happen to like my mother-in-law though :-)).
And the best advice is…
Don’t Put A Sock In It
Yes we know you have thought about doing it literally, but you shouldn’t do it figuratively either. In other words as men we tend to not want to talk about it while women do whether it is negative or not. Yep, this one is has my name all over it… Their suggestion:
“I don’t want to shut you out. But I hate to fight with you.” The exact words are unimportant. Just make her realize that you’re not pulling away from her (the standard rap on men). You’re just avoiding conflict. The first time you say this will be such a paradigm shift in your marriage, she’ll be more affected by your change than the wording of it. In fact, your wife may be so stunned that the fight will stop right there. Make-up sex, anyone?
I’ve tried this a few times but perhaps I haven’t gotten the right words down. Oh well, I’m working on it!
I am very lucky with my wife. We don’t fight about money — the number one topic — or sex, or really any of the marriage killers. We have our differences and get over them. Now, she has mentioned wanting to take boxing lessons, so maybe I should start working on those communication skills…
Here is the article
finance, marriage, Misc, money, relationships
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